wings

Its getting hard to go to school normally when I know there's a friggin' high chance of seeing him.

It has happened three times already; once last week, once yesterday, and once more today.

I wonder if its some sort of sick test that I have to endure, that I have to pass, that I have to go through for the next three years of my life here in NP.

Why did we have to get into the same poly??

The reaction I have, my body has, when I see him - so extreme.

The fear, the want, the longing.

I want to see him, I want to be with him, yet I don't want to, yet I can't stand the sight of him, yet...

My heart and mind are confused. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore, don't know what I'll be capable of feeling, don't know what I am capable of feeling.

Will my heart be able to beat for someone else? Or will you still be holding onto the key that will unlock me, for me to throw away all my inhibitations, to be myself?

The key you hold, it has inevitably rusted away, at least you make it seem so. The key will no longer fit. Even if it does, it will not be able to turn; it will not be of use.

Will I find another key?

Hmms.

I express my depression in an odd way - I become so freaking hyper, I look so bloody happy. But its just a facade, just a mask. I don't want others to see an unhappy, broken me. That's why I turn to laughter, no matter how forced or fake it might be. Because if I know if I don't smile, I'll break.

Shatter.

I'll be reduced to a pile of weeping, sobbing, crying useless trash.

I know loneliness is gnawing at me, depression already has me in its clutches.

I want to cut out the piece of my heart that remembers him so clearly, his voice, his touch, his scent.

I want to block out all the memories of him.

Of us.

But I can't.

Because I gave everthing.

And I can't take anything back.

Its like I've been superglued, somehow. Trapped. And its not letting me go.

Or is the door of my cage open, but I myself am unwilling to step out and spread the wings I have bound for so long?

Have I forgotten how to fly?