Journey

Friday, 29 June 2007

Infinitely bored.

Blogging in school now, I don't really know what to blog about. This term's going to be very quick, it'll be over in a matter of weeks, and then the holidays'll start. We're going to be starting on our final projects now, to hand them up in on time and to study for our exams.

I don't know if I'll be able to make it. They said year 1's tough, but years 2 and 3'll be nothing compared to what we're going through right now. All I can hope for is to be able to pass every single module. Even if I don't have a perfect GPA, and I can't get into U, at least I'll still have my diploma and I'll be able to get a job =/ So many sickening projects right now. Poly's supposed to be fun. Sure, it is, the people and all, but I see so many other people having much lighter schedules than us, who have lesser things to do, and have more time for fun. Maybe its just the course that I'm in, that requires so much. But as usual, I feel like I'm very slack in class. Mayhaps its just a mind thing. Like feeling that I'm not studying when everyone else around me is mugging like mad. Like they'll detonate if they don't study or something.

I am a part of the class, yet I feel so detached, so estranged. Maybe its because of personality clashes. But isn't that what youll face out there in the working world, forced to work together with people you wouldn't normally talk to? Maybe I'm just being immature, having a one-way track of mind, but like water and alcohol, no matter how much you stir the solution, the two different components just won't mix, because each repels the other. I try to understand, but I just don't get it. The temper I've been holding in, the words that I would say which would no doubt hurt, are just dying to come out.

But I won't.

Because it won't be fair.

Maybe they see me in the same light too, albeit from their own perspective.

I feel that true friendships can't be formed here, because everyone's using each other, because there's a benefit, a merit somewhere, hidden agendas.

Or maybe I'm just too different, so much so that we're like opposite poles, forever repelling, never mixing.

There's no one to blame here, because blaming won't do anything. The only thing we can do is change, but who's willing to change to accomodate the other? We were born selfish, the survivor's instinct left over from our ancestors to do whatever we can to come out at the top of the food chain. We'd all just want everyone else to accomodate us. Which isn't going to happen because everyone's selfish. Even the most selfless person you see will definitely have some sort of a selfish mentality in him or her, it only depends on to what degree you see the selfishness.

Funny, I always say I don't know what to blog about, then I end up with a relatively long post.

So many things to do, so little 'me time'.

I just want to curl up in a corner where nothing can touch me, nothing can harm me, where I can sink into my own protective shell, to be hidden away from the eyes of this unforgiving world. Maybe I'm already not being seen, but hey, its extra protection anyway.

To be alone.

But being alone is frightening too, isn't it?

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