Random musings

I sometimes whine about not being in a relationship, getting a little green-eyed and envious when I see couples walking hand in hand, wrapped up in their own little world without a care.

I sometimes wish I could have that too.

Not that I've never tasted what its like to be in a relationship.

I have, and the results weren't pretty.

Emotionally abused, mentally drained, it was probably the best and the worst times of my seventeen years of existence in this world so far. But sadly, the bouts of happiness could not overcome the heartache and depression. Rollercoasters that went permanently downhill. I was fighting with my inner demons the whole time, wanting to let go yet fearing the hurt and the loss that would come after letting go of that 'love'. Its hard to maintain a relationship when you're always giving, desperately loving, but the person of your affections doesn't seem to be responding, or better yet, taking advantage of the love that you're giving, twisting it and turning it into poison that soon flows through your entire system and your mind is filled with nothing but that person, while your heart is aching so badly, you want to take a knife to cut it out but of course, you can't. Its so hard to keep on loving when you're giving constantly and the person thinks that its only right that he takes... So he takes and takes... But he forgets to give back.

I won't say I was the one entirely not at fault, but being the person that I am, with my character and personality, I will always think that I'm the cause of the problem, that it was my wrong-doing, that I should be the one to be blamed when in fact, I am not. And knowing that, they apparently took it for granted and made my soft, squishy, marshmallow heart the very knife that stabbed myself in the back, the gun that shot myself in the foot, the noose that wrapped around my neck, the cancer eating away at me (yeah, you get the point).

It wasn't nice after putting an end to the relationships I had. I probably never cried that much in my entire life before I my relationships put together. Not counting the time when I was still a pink thing wrapped in a blanket. There were so many times where I just wanted to get back together, but pride and the knowledge that things would be even worse if it happened prevented me from doing so. I had grown too dependent on my ex-boyfriends. So much so that removing them from my life would be equal to taking oxygen from me and leaving me sucking wind.

I now say that I don't want to be in a relationship, that I would rather concentrate on my studies and be blisfsully single than to be miserably attached.

But do I really?

I've been single for about 10 odd months; I can't remember exactly how long it has been. I admit that I yearn for that kind of relationship, that special connection between one being and another which brings about such euphoria, and sometimes sadness, then the joy of making up... It all seems to far away...

And a little out of reach.

I think I say that I want to be single to psycho myself ad because I want to protect myself from the potential pain and heartache. But then again, where would the joy be without the pain? There's no light without dark, there're no sinners without saints, there wouldn't be policemen if there were no criminals...

Its nice to be single. You don't have to 'report' to your partner every single little thing you do; what you wore, what you ate, how many times you went to the toilet, who you talked to, was it a guy or a girl, etc. (Okay, now that's over-obesssion).

And I'm going out of point here. (The hamster's running on two cute fat pancake things consumed at around 4 odd in the afternoon. Its 1.45 in the morning now.)

I'm just feeling melancholic, reminiscing about the not that distant past, appreciating the things I've gone through, and feeling a little heartache for the things I had in my hands, and had no choice but to let go of. The sad love song playing on my iTunes isn't helping much either =.=

Maybe I'm too young to experience real love, too immature.

But one can dream, right?